Managing Conflict 101: How to stand up for yourself without starting a fight

Would you consider yourself assertive? Do you manage conflict without aggression, keeping the criminal lawyers out of the situation? Or would you rather not handle conflict at all?

Many of us run the opposite direction when conflict arises. Unfortunately, this isn’t healthy either, leading to strained relationships, unproductive work environments, and extreme stress. If you’re the type that bottles your true feelings to avoid conflict, you could also tend toward aggressive behavior when you finally can’t take it anymore. This is where trouble takes over.

“When deciding whether it is necessary to stand up for yourself or confront a situation, here are two questions to ask yourself: 1. Is this issue important enough for me to invest time and energy? 2. Will this relationship (work or personal) suffer if this issue is not resolved? If the issue is important enough to invest time and energy, resolve the situation with one goal in mind — to prevent it from happening again,” advises Dr. Shambra Mulder.

Aggressive behavior is very different from assertiveness. For example, assertive behavior means standing up for one’s rights no matter what the circumstance, or seeking respect and understanding during difficult situations. Aggressive behavior, on the other hand, is more like bullying – involving humiliation and manipulation.

To learn more about standing up for yourself the right way, we talked with Stephanie West Allen, a lawyer, trainer, and expert in mediation methods. Here’s her advice:

Q:  What is the biggest obstacle people face when it comes to standing up for themselves?

A:  Many people don’t know what they want, and that often inhibits their ability to stand up for themselves effectively. They also fear what the other person is going to say. It’s sometimes comfortable to leave things nebulous. Rather than commit, people think it feels better to be in the cloud of confusion.

Q:  What actions tend to lead to conflict?

A: Ignoring the other person definitely leads to conflict. If you want conflict, don’t listen. This will lead to some big problems. When you don’t listen, the other person doesn’t feel visible. I like to tell people to respect someone else’s presence, but to focus on the word “RE – SPECT.” In other words, “LOOK AGAIN.”There are many different reasons why people don’t listen. One reason is people may be full of themselves. On the other end of that continuum, some people are insecure and afraid of silence. And there are people who are rude and for some reason don’t want to hear what you have to say.

Q:  What are your tops tips for standing up for yourself without starting conflict?

A: How you should react with assertiveness is very situational; your behavior would be different if you were facing someone with a gun versus standing up for yourself when you’re trying to make a sale. I like to use the Thomas-Kilmann conflict model, which tracks assertiveness versus cooperativeness. The model is based on 5 ways of responding to conflict: avoiding, accommodating, collaborating, compromising, and cooperating. If you are high on assertiveness, you are very competitive. On the other extreme, if you don’t assert your own interests, this is known as accommodation.

Handling conflict is situational, but any personality type can do it. Research has found that even people who are considered “soft negotiators” succeed because they are comfortable and confident in their method of negotiating. Authenticity wins out. People should find out how they are most comfortable at handling conflict and hone that skill.

What has been your response when handling past difficulties? What lessons have you learned about properly managing conflict?